“Welcome back to the Big News Show. Tonight’s top story, industry heavyweight Gargantua picks Central City as the site for its new corporate headquarters. The company is receiving $4 trillion in incentives, including a 15% ownership stake in the state, as part of the package to relocate to Central. I’m joined by Gargantua’s founder and CEO, Ben Grabalot.”
(Grabalot nods and smiles)
“Ben, explain to our viewers why Gargantua is worth $4 trillion in incentives to relocate here to Central City.”
“No one was supposed to see those numbers.”
“Well, we have, thanks to our filing of a Freedom of Information Act request. So, why are the incentives justified?”
“Because we’re a big company. We do big things. And we need big incentives, to do those big things. Follow?”
“Indeed. And these are certainly big numbers. But all of these trillions of dollars, we could use that money for better schools, to better educate our children. And to build better roads and bridges.”
“Or you could give it to me, I mean us.”
(Anchor reading through papers)
“The specifics of this deal are outrageous. It looks like property taxes on your corporate campus will be waived for thirty years.”
“Forty.”
“Forty years? Good lord, this is horrendous, I say.” (Lots of flipping through pages of the agreement) “This is loaded with all sorts of harmful items. What’s this? A portion of the income tax paid by your employees will be given to Gargantua as cash? That’s outrageous.”
“Not if you’re us.”
“Why not just tax the air we breathe, and give that to you as well?”
“Hmmm.”
“Forget I said that.”
“I really wish we had thought of that. Would you like a job?”
“Mr. Grabalot, it certainly seems to me, that you are, well, grabbing an awful lot here. This agreement, (waving of papers) is in essence giving taxpayer money to a billionaire. Gargantua sold $400 billion in goods last year, why on earth do you need any financial help, even one cent’s worth, to relocate to Central City?”
“Because were are going to have jobs, lots and lots of jobs. Thousands of jobs, tens of thousands of jobs, maybe even millions of jobs.”
“Millions? How is that even possible?”
“And they’re all good jobs. Satisfying, rewarding jobs. Jobs for smart people. We only hire smart people, you know. Millions of them. And hundreds of new businesses will spring up to support our workers. So, we all benefit.”
“That’s all just speculation.”
“Think of it as an investment in the future. Our future. Gargantua ’s future. My future.”
(Anchor pointing, and angry)
“But don’t you see? The city and state will have to build wider roads, put in more traffic and street lights to handle all of those people working in your headquarters. Where is that money going to come from?”
“Certainly not us.”
“And these jobs you boast of, how many will actually go to people already living in and around Central? Most times the new jobs are filled by people relocating to the new corporate site.”
(Anchor stops, presses finger against his earpiece)
“Wait a minute, I’m being told that we have a small businesswoman on the line. Let’s put her through. Ma’am, go ahead.”
(Woman’s voice)
“I’m Linda Wilson, owner of Wilson’s Home Goods. My family has had our store for more than fifty years. We employ three full-time workers. I’ve been trying to get the city to fix the street light, and the hole in the sidewalk in front of our store for three years. It would nice if Central’s mayor could maybe put aside a few dollars for people like me, small business owners, and help take care of the issues we face, rather than hand money to my competitor.”
(Anchor nods in agreement)
“Good point, Linda. Mr Grabalot?”
“I’ll be happy to replace all the streetlights on your block, Linda. And you can expect a new sidewalk. The city is a bit tied up at the moment finalizing my, I mean, our agreement. Is there anything else you need? Maybe a job in one of our distribution centers once Wilson’s closes?”
“No, thank you. But maybe you can stop selling some of the items we do. I mean, do you really need to have over three-thousand lamps available to people?”
“Yes, and no. Yes, we do need to have all three-thousand and thirty-six varieties of lamps available. And no, we will not stop selling even one of them. When can you start in the distribution center?
“Would Monday be okay?”
“Certainly.”
(Grabalot looks at anchor)
“See, it’s people like Linda we want. Smart people, decisive people. People of action.”
(Anchor shakes his head)
“Absolutely incredible. Is there nothing you can’t buy? A city, a state, a small business owner?”
“Great question.”
“Well?”
“We are having trouble landing a utility. It seems they have to be regulated by just about everyone. Way too much red tape. Can you help with that?”
“And speaking of utilities, all the ones around your big, shiny new corporate campus will need to be upgraded and expanded to handle all this additional demand for electricity. Who’s going to pay for all that?”
(Grabalot shrugs)
“Beats me, but I hear you have very generous taxpayers. Maybe they can help.”
“Arrrgggghhh.”