Wilson from marketing looked downright awful when I bumped into him coming out of the company gym. His right eye was puffy, black and blue, and swollen half-shut. His hair was a mess. The man looked like he was on the verge of collapse.
“I’m sure you’re not hearing this for the first time today,” I said, “but you look like crap. You take up mixed martial arts or something?”
Wilson put a hand on the back of the bench next to the door of the gym to steady himself.
“No, no,” he said. “But I was punched, and kicked. And humiliated.”
The poor guy started to teeter, barely able to go on.
“It was on the flight back from Denver.”
“From the team building trip?” I asked.
He nodded, and even that seemed to cause him pain.
“What on earth happened?” I asked.
“It was all going fine until we boarded,” he said. “We were flying coach, you know, part of the team bonding thing.”
“Yes, if the group suffers collectively, everyone will grow closer,” I said. “One of the core tenants of team building.”
“I…I…” he said, his voice wavering. “I went to my seat, 13 A. I’ll never forget it. A window seat. There was a woman in the aisle seat, and in the middle seat there was a…a…”
Wilson’s voice trailed off and he looked down at the bench, unable to go on. The man was traumatized. I was about to offer to take him to the nurse in the corporate Wellness and Welcoming Center when he found the strength to continue.
“In the middle seat was a …a…kangaroo,” he said.
Silence fell over us. Wilson was looking at me for my reaction. But my brain was spinning and making that little whirling sound like PCs do when the battery overheats. “I’m sorry,” I said, “but it sounded like you said…kangaroo.”
He nodded. “I did. It was the lady’s therapy kangaroo,” he said, making little air quotes with his fingers. “The beast had a little vest on and everything. It said Joey, the Therapy Roo. Her emotional support animal.”
“Good heavens,” I said. “Are there no rules anymore? These planes have become airborne zoos.”
Wilson took a breath and mustered the deep, inner strength needed to relive the experience. “I tried to squeeze past it to get to my seat… and it…it punched me. Right in the face.” Another deep breath, then, “and it kicked me in the…the…”
“It’s okay,” I said, patting his arm. “It can’t hurt you here.”
Wilson was looking at me, a broken man. His swollen eye fluttered like a wounded moth and I had a hard time not staring. His arm stiffened and he braced himself against the bench, it’s support the only thing keeping him from winding up a blubbering lump on the ground.
“It was humiliating. Just humiliating,” he said. “The thing popped me a second time in the stomach, I fell back against the seat in front of us. The Kangaroo Lady was screaming, saying I had upset Joey.”
“Awful,” I said.
“The kangaroo was making all kinds of noises, grunting and groaning. Two days of mindfulness training at the retreat went out the window. I thought I was going to be mauled to death right there over the Rockies.”
“I’m so sorry,” I said. “Have you talked to legal? I’m sure the company can sue the airline. There have to be rules against kangaroos on planes.”
Wilson shook his head. “No, the flight attendant said the animal wasn’t on the no-fly list, so it was okay. As long as it was certified and had its little vest on. It bullied me the whole way home. It grabbed my snacks. And I think it pooped right there in the seat. People kept looking at me like it was me stinking up the cabin,” he said. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to fly again, ever.”
I helped Wilson sit down on the bench there and reassured him that it was okay, there were no kangaroos anywhere close by. I walked away and looked back to see a sobbing mass.
An hour later I was over Justin’s Exotic Animal House on the west side.
“I’m going to do a little test,” I told Justin. “What’s the nuttiest animal you can get your hands on for me to fly with?”
“A giraffe, maybe,” he said.
“No, too tall. It’s head would hit the overhead bin. And I don’t even want to think about getting the vest on it,” I said.
“Hmmmm,” Justin said, thinking. “I’ve sold animals from A to Z to people as emotional support pets. And as for flying with them, hell the rules are so wide open you can drive a truck through ‘em.”
“Let’s start with A, then,” I said. “Can you do an aardvark?”
“Absolutely. They are nocturnal so red-eye flights would be perfect,” Justin said.
“Maybe an anteater would be better,” I said.
Justin lit up. “Oh, people with them say they are just so sweet and loving. Just like dogs.”
“I’m sure they are, but I’m just not feeling it. What about fish? I mean, they’re so serene, swimming around gracefully and all that. They’re very soothing and emotionally supportive. Maybe a little portable aquarium for traveling,” I said.
“You’d have fun at the TSA line,” he said.
“Okay, you’re the pet expert. What’s the hottest new fad pet? One I can say I just have to have to soothe me on takeoff, and landing?” I asked.
Justin thought about it for a bit then said, “Sloths are really catching on, but they like to hang from high branches.”
“Perfect,” I said. “It will be right at home dangling from the oxygen mask. Let’s move before they change the rules.”