Terri and I shoehorned ourselves into our seats for the cross-country flight, and had a drink apiece to try and dull the muscles and senses for the four hours of air travel.
I had the window seat with the redeeming feature that I could squish my nose against the little piece of reinforced plastic rather than someone’s shoulder. Terri was in the middle seat, seemingly holding up better than me. On the other side of her in the aisle seat, a sullen teen nodded along to whatever was coming through his Beats headphones.
“Oh, I can’t wait to watch “Crazy Rich Asians,” Terri said, looking at the seat-back TV to see the in-flight entertainment options. “I heard so much about it. Want to watch with me?”
I shifted in my seat to try and take the pressure off my lower back, but that only squeezed my knees into the seat back of the person in front of me. He had it reclined the full eighth-of-an-inch, which was too much as far as I was concerned.
“No,” I said, to Terri’s offer. “I want to sit here and practice my relaxation breathing.”
“Okay, suit yourself,” she said, “but we do have a few more hours to go. Might as well make the most of it.”
“Thanks for reminding me,” I said.
The flight attendant appeared at our row, smiled pleasantly at Terri and asked, “Can I get you another drink? Maybe a snack?”
She seemed like a nice woman, a little older and veteran enough to know her way around the cabin.
“That would be fantastic,” Terri said, as if they were old college chums. “How sweet to offer.”
“My pleasure, darling,” she said.
I raised my crummy plastic cup and said, “You know, now that you offered, I’ll -“
That was as far as I got, as the flight attendant glared at me, then turned and walked away.
“Well, that was kind of rude,” I said.
“Maybe she didn’t hear you,” Terri said.
“No, no, she heard me,” I said. “She gave me a look like I had passed gas.”
“Oh, you’re just taking it too personally. It was nothing,” she said.
“No, I think it was something.”
A minute later, the gal was back with Terri’s drink, handed it carefully to her, glanced at the TV screen and said. “Oh, you are just going to love that movie. I saw it last week. It was soooo entertaining.”
The attendant handed Terri a tablet to make her payment. “And I’ll be back for that in a bit. No rush, dear.”
I saw my opening, did the old cup raising thing to get her attention, but failed. It was like the window seat was empty. Meantime, she touched the teen’s should in a motherly way and asked, “And are you okay over here, young man?”
He nodded just enough to indicate he understood the language, and she was on her way again. Without my drink order.
“Okay, what the hell is going on?” I asked.
“Oh, stop being sensitive,” Terri said. “She has her hands full.”
I looked at the tablet as Terri paid for her drink. She clicked on a little button labeled “Gratuity” and bypassed the 10%, 15% and 20% options offered. She entered her own customized amount of 25%.
“You’re tipping her?” I asked, struggling to understand.
“Of course, she’s working hard,” Terri said. “What did you give her?”
I looked forward, and lowered my head. “I didn’t,” I said.
“Ohhhh, well, that might explain the cold shoulder,” Terri said.
“I’m not tipping the flight attendant now, on top of all the fees we get hit with just for flying,” I said.
“Well, your call, big fella,” she said. She took a sip of her drink, and smacked her lips together.
“Ohh, that’s good. I think she tossed a little extra vodka in there for me,” she said.
“How sweet of her.”
We were at cruising altitude now, a nice smooth flight, aside from my leper status with our flight attendant. And the fact that my legs, back, neck and possibly kidneys were aching from sitting in what felt like a kids chair.
“I hate to do this, but let me use the restroom before you get too far into your movie,” I said.
Terri sighed, but went about the long process of pausing the movie, picking up her drink and nudging the gloomy teen for me to pass. I started to stand up, feeling like the fella on the evolution charts who rises from crawling to standing, shoulders hunched and a tired look in his eyes.
I didn’t get all the way up as a woman’s voice came from the rear of the cabin.
“Please, stay seated,” she said.
It was flight attendant. She was glaring at me with a look that said she would have the plane make an emergency landing if I took another step.
“I…I just have to use the…go to the…”
“I don’t care what it is you have to do,” she said. “You should have thought about that before you sucked down your drink.”
“I…I…
“Please, sit down. Now,” she said.
“I think maybe there’s some turbulence ahead, honey,” Terri said.
“We seem to have plenty right here and now,” I said.
I did as told, scrunched myself back into my seat, bathroom shamed. I closed my eyes and rested my head against the cold window, and tried to sleep.
No sooner had I began to nod off then I heard her voice again, this time even louder. I jerked awake and clutched my chest to slow my heart. The woman was standing in the aisle and holding up a handful of credit card brochures.
“Good afternoon, folks. Just a quick word to let you know about a very special deal that you have access to today, just for flying with us.”
I stared at her and tried to make sense of what I was seeing. It was like being at a time share sales pitch.
“For a limited time,” she said, “we are offering one-million frequent flyer miles to you…free…when you sign up for one of these special, Take On More Debt credit cards. Yes, you heard me right, one-million frequent flyer miles.”
Her voice was loud and strong and she was an accomplished saleswoman as well, I realized. Then her voice dropped as she ran through the fine print at light speed.
“Exclusions may apply good for limited time miles must be used within forty-eight hours of approval for the card.”
She gave Terri a sweet smile and she finished up her pitch.
“Don’t even think about it,” I said.