“Welcome to class, everyone. As you may have heard, Corruption University has brought me out of retirement to teach a special course this semester. My name, by the way, is Professor Words, Professor Buzz Words. And what a pleasure it is be here helping you get your degree in Misleading Business Administration.
These MBAs has become crucial to success in dodging scandal, and masking ineptness. And, as I used to tell my students, you’re going to fail at some point, and I’m here to help make sure you fail upward. You have a question, sir?”
“Are there any shortcuts I can take to get this degree? Like classes I can skip, and all that?”
“Hah, someone after my own heart. What I can tell you is that the curriculum here at CU is designed to give you all the skills you’ll need to speed your way up that corporate ladder. One of those skills is identifying individuals you can pay off to get you to where you want to go. I’d recommend just picking a class and try paying off the professor. See what happens.”
“Will do, Buzzy.”
“Okay, anybody want to take a guess at what our first lesson on buzz words will be on? Yes, the young lady over there, go ahead.”
“Inclusiveness?”
“Oh, that is a good guess at a buzz word. And a very popular one, but no, today’s topic is an oldie, but a goodie. Hmmm, look at all the hands, you certainly are an engaged group. Okay, you, in the back there.”
“My guess is really more of a phrase, is that okay?”
“Absolutely.”
“Is it Merger of Equals? I mean, I love that one.”
“It is a classic. Like one of those favorite wedding songs.”
“I betcha it’s from the same guy who came up with the Everyone Gets a Medal concept.”
“Possibly, and while Merger of Equals is indeed a solid guess, it’s not what I’m looking for. But I can tell you it’s a close cousin of the subject of our first lesson. Today, we’ll be focusing on synergies.”
“Those are words that really mean the same thing, right?”
“No, those are synonyms. Easy to confuse, they both start with the letter S. Get to know synergies real well. It will be your go-to word when you’re trying to buy out, or take over a company. Or, maybe you’ll be on the other end of the deal, thinking, what the heck, let’s just sell out.”
“So, what does synergies mean?”
“Here’s the beauty of it, synergies can mean whatever you like.”
“Kind of like accounting irregularities?”
“Oh, they didn’t tell me I was teaching such a bright group. Yes, think of synergies as your kitchen sink. Just toss everything in there. Let’s say you know there will be massive layoffs once you smash the two companies together–”
“You mean, creating a powerful combination of two market leading and iconic companies?”
“Oh, you are good. And yes, when you smash, I’m sorry, combine those companies there will inevitably be layoffs.”
“Can we call it job dislocation?”
“This is an honors group, right? You, over there.”
“So, synergies can mean layoffs?”
“Sure. Here’s an example. No one wants that press release to read, ‘the combined company is projected to save more than a billion dollars annually by cutting ten thousand jobs,’ right?”
“Heck, why not? A lot of ‘em are probably dead weight anyway.”
You, young man, are going straight to Wall Street.”
“Thanks, dude.”
“Instead, how’s this for your press release? ‘The combined company offers compelling value creation, and cost synergies of at least $1 billion annually.’ Sounds better, right? You in the back, you look puzzled.”
“But don’t people see right through it? Won’t the Wall Street analysts call them out on it and ask how many jobs cuts are you forecasting?”
(Explosive laughter)
“Oh, oh, that is good. Very funny. Okay, you, the half-asleep guy next to him, you wanted to say something?”
“Naw, man, like I’m just saying…you know…maybe we set up a little trip, like a junket, and get all the analysts to come. You know, like on a party boat, or at a resort of something. Have some nice dinners and stuff. We show ‘em our plans, and they’ll probably be all good.”
“You have a career in investor relations written all over you.”
“Thanks, bro.”
“So long as you pass the drug test. Okay, so that’s an introduction to synergies. Any questions? Young lady, right up here near the front. You look confused.”
“My dad taught me that synergies was a bad word.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Was he in PR or marketing after the Time Warner-AOL deal?”
“How did you know?”
“It did fall out of favor, but what’s old is new again.”
“It just seems kind of, I don’t know, deceptive.”
“You’ll need to get a handle on that conscience of yours, young lady. Okay, next time we’ll focus on, value creation. Until then, how about a quick rendition of the C U fight song. And one…two…three…
Rah, rah for old C U
Grab what you can just make sure it’s all for you.
Don’t worry about the SEC, there’s not much they can do.
While you’re on your boat, piles of paperwork they’ll be plowing through.
So march onward to misleading and deceiving through and through.
And remember to fight, fight fight for old C U.