It was the big day. Episode number one of “The Pulse,” our exciting new corporate podcast that I had been ordered, forced, and asked to host.
I was sitting at a table across from Ashley Coldwell, vice-president of Culture and Workplace Life. We both had old-school radio microphones set up in front of us. Wilson was at a little table in the corner behind Ashley with a headset on, checking dials and such, on an audio board.
It had taken some wrangling to get Wilson on board, but once he committed he was all in. He gave me a nod and a thumbs up and off we went.
“Welcome to the inaugural episode of ‘The Pulse,’” I said, and explained how we’d be exploring the exciting new initiatives going on at the company each and every week. Ashley smiled pleasantly as I read a brief introduction of her. I welcomed her and started off with a softball of a question.
“Ashley, let’s talk about the very latest offering from Culture and Workplace Life. It’s a department that has been behind some incredibly beneficial programs. What’s the latest effort?”
There, we were underway. I had set the bar low with the question and fully intended to keep it there, unless of course I had to lower it even more. Ashley smiled pleasantly and took just a beat or two too long before answering. It was like English was a second language and she had to process the question. I didn’t know a lot about podcasts, but I suspected dead air could be a killer. Maybe Wilson could edit it out.
“So,” she said, “I’m particularly excited about stability these days.”
“Can’t have enough of that,” I said.
“I mean, we all want stability, right? In our work, our personal lives, etcetera, etcetera. So, Culture and Workplace Life has put together an exciting new program for employees called, Stability Me.”
“Great name,” I said, lying through my teeth and trying not to smirk. “And just what is Stability Me all about?”
“So, it’s really about becoming stable,” Ashley said, in the dull, neutral voice middle managers, or those heavily medicated, tended to favor. “At work, at home, because you can’t really separate the two these days, right? Work and home. I mean, I know many of us see this place as our second home, so that blurs the lines even more.”
She had a vacant little stare like she had spent far too much time at work, and not enough at home.
“Indeed,” I said, for no other reason than to buy time and pray for a lightening strike of inspiration to keep me engaged.
At this rate the podcast would last four minutes. I was pretty sure that was not what Stevens had in mind when he assigned me the project.
I looked over to Wilson to see if he was paying attention. Great, he had his head back, looking up at the ceiling and doing some sort of neck stretches. He rotated his head one way, then gently rolled it back in the other direction. It looked like fun.
“Could you describe some of the specifics of Stability Me?” I asked. “I mean, are there any core components you can tell us about?”
“So, there are four learning modules, each one comprised of video learning with an emphasis on interactive engagement and high-level learning. I mean, it’s how we learn best, don’t you agree?”
“High-level, yes,” I said. “Far better than low-level learning.”
Ashley started talking again and it only took me ten seconds to lose focus and look over at Wilson behind her. He was doing a two-handed head and neck contortion now. He was either trying to put himself in a headlock, or maybe administering a chiropractic adjustment. I recalled he had been a high school wrestler and thought maybe he was dusting off an old Greco-Roman wrestling maneuver.
“Don’t you agree?” Ashley asked me again, snapping me back to the podcast I was supposed to be conducting.
“Absolutely,” I said, not certain what I was agreeing to.
“So module number one is dedicated to achieving stability in the workplace. You know, establishing a stable zone, as it is at work.”
“At work,” I said, parroting her last couple of words because it kept me from falling asleep right here at the little table.
“Let me ask you a question about these nodules,” I said.
“Modules,” she said, in a little sharper tone. “Modules.”
“Of course,” I said, wondering if I had actually called them nodules.
I saw Wilson’s shoulders quaking with laughter, confirming my fear. Then he leaned forward and put his head in his hand and had even more of a laugh.
Ashley was staring at me now, clearly under the misimpression that I knew what I was doing. I quickly tried to remember why it was she was here, and scrambled to come up with an appropriate question.
“How can we tell when we’ve achieved, stableness?” I asked, not certain that was even a word.
“Great question,” she said.
“Thank you,” I said, with a little puff of the chest.
“Stableness will mean different things to different people,” she said. “But you’ll know when you’ve achieved it by the feeling of achieving a sense of peace about your work. You know, let’s say you get a call at home on a Saturday, and by the way, we do encourage everyone to stay home on Saturdays, and Sundays too.”
“Yes, who needs to come into the office any more for work?” I asked
“Exactly, I mean it’s called the weekend for a reason, everyone is reachable no matter where they are, so if you’re listening to this, by all means, don’t feel pressure to come in on the weekends. Your leaders know how to track you down when you’re needed.”
“Hunt them down,” I said.
“Like a wounded animal,” Ashley said, her eyes wide.
She looked a bit embarrassed, and stared across the table at me and whispered.
“Is it possible to lose that reference?”
“The hunted animal one?” I asked.
“Yes. I was feeling a little…a little…”
“Unstable?” I asked, and she nodded.