It was a big deal of a Zoom call late on a Friday. The Return to the Office announcement everyone had been eagerly awaiting. Or dreading.
I was on one side of the table in the conference room. Wilson and Big Mike across from me. On the screen at the front of the room were a dozen little Zoom boxes with our colleagues. They were sitting in their homes looking smug knowing they were getting a jump on the weekend.
With five minutes to go I looked around at the dismal turnout.
“Anybody see Stephens?” I asked.
Wilson shook his head. Mike stared at me but didn’t answer. Not a grunt or a twitch. It was the inert state he slipped into late in the day.
“Maybe we should go get him, and Ashley,” I said. “Roz wants everyone here for this.”
There was the ding-ding-dinging of a bell in the hallway before anybody could answer.
“There’s Ashley now,” Wilson said.
Sure enough a second later Ashley sped by on her beach cruiser bike, waving. “On my way. Let me just park my ride.”
She had taken to biking up and down the hall and around the office months ago. Like the rest of us she was burnt-out, bored and frustrated with this weird, some of us in the office, but most of us not, world of work we found ourselves in.
“I’ll go find Stephens,” Wilson said, getting up to leave.
Mike was staring at the Zoom screen like he was trying to solve a puzzle.
“Roz has a nice house,” he said, nodding.
I glanced across at him hoping he wasn’t planning on visiting Roz at home. You never knew with this guy.
A minute later Wilson was back, alone.
“No Stephens?” I asked.
“He’s in his office with his shirt off. In the dark,” he said.
I glanced at Mike. He was still staring at the screen like he didn’t hear anything. Wilson meanwhile was looking to me for guidance.
“His pants?” I asked.
“I didn’t stick around long enough to check,” Wilson said, sitting back down.
Ashley came in chipper and full of energy from her bike ride.
“Hey, want me to get Stephens?” she asked.
“No.” I said, sharper than I intended. “Please don’t. I’ll call him.”
Probably what I should have done in the first place. I looked up his extension and tried calling. No answer. I looked across to Wilson, checked Ashley who was studying her phone, and glanced at Big Mike who appeared to be on the verge of sleep now.
“Was he alive?” I mouthed to Wilson.
Wilson nodded and discreetly said, “He may have been meditating.”
“Oh, he does that every afternoon around this time,” Ashley said, not missing anything.
Roz’s voice crackled across the speaker. “Okay, let’s get this meeting started. Office team, is everyone there?”
“Kind of,” I said. “Actually, no. Andy’s not.”
I was happy to throw suck-up Andy under the bus. He had been MIA for the last week. Like he had gotten fed up and bored, like the rest of us, and decided to bail out. Knowing him he was probably on a beach somewhere with a tall drink.
“Oh, I forget to mention earlier this week,” Roz said. “Andy is taking what I’m calling an office-leave. He’s been okayed to work remotely for the near term.”
On cue another Zoom box popped up. This one with Andy’s smiling face. On a beach. A woman appeared and set down a drink on a table next to him. Behind him, the branches of palm trees swayed in a gentle breeze. There were lots of white sand, blue water, and white puffy clouds.
“Hey gang,” he said, from his lounge chair.
“Looks nice,” Ashley said. “Lucky stiff.”
“And Roz, thanks for okaying this, “Andy said. “I am soooo much more productive here this week. And you just can’t beat the weather.”
I looked around the table searching for a face to commiserate with, instead I saw Mike. He was blinking as if trying to focus.
“I wish I had a drink like that,” he said.
Roz spoke, snapping me back to the task at hand.
“Team in the conference room, I don’t see, Jen? Is she dialing in from her office?”
“She’s in the cafeteria,” Ashley said, matter of factly.
Roz looked puzzled.
“Isn’t that still closed?” she asked.
“Yes, but Jen has been in there for awhile,” I said.
“Since January,” Ashley said. “She just sits and stares at the salad bar all day like it may magically reopen.”
That was met with silence, which a few seconds later was broken by the low snoring of Mike. The man was a narcoleptic. He had to be. He could fall off in the blink of an eye.
“Ahh, maybe someone should have flagged this behavior of Jen’s a little earlier,” Roz said. “It’s worrisome.”
“Sorry,” I said, my mouth out running my brain. “I figured you were too busy approving Andy’s trip to paradise.”
Roz gave me a mean look, but let it go.
“And Stephens?” she asked.
“We think he’s dead,” Wilson said.
“He’s not dead,” I snapped.
All motion from our colleagues in their Zoom boxes ceased. They were staring at their screens, transfixed, and probably terrified at returning to the office now.
“He practices transcentennial meditation,” Ashley said, “with his shirt off.”
Roz went to speak, or at least her mouth moved, but nothing came out. She had waded into a conversation in the crazy corner, and no amount of management training was going to save her.
“Team,” Roz said, her voice stern, but caring. “I want to stress that we have plenty of resources available to everyone. If you’re feeling stressed, burnt out…”
Ashley got up and walked out to go who knows where. Mike’s snoring grew louder, with little gaps and gasps for air in-between. Roz squinted and looked at her screen.
“What is that noise?” she asked.
“It’s Mike’s sleep apnea demonstration. You have to experience it in-person for the full effect,” I said.
Wilson tapped Mike on the knee to wake him. Mike shot from his chair like he had been hit with a cattle prod. His fists were clenched and he looked and sounded like a madman.
“Who touched me?”
I was sure any discussion of his past would include the words, bar and fight. A second later the ding-ding-singing returned as Ashley rode her bike into the room.
“I’m going to make a Starbucks run, anyone want anything?”
“Triple espresso,” Mike said.
“Is that a…bike?” Roz asked.
“I’ll swing by the cafeteria to see if Jen wants anything,” Ashley said, backing the bike out of the room.
She rode off down the hall with a few happy dings.
On the screen our at-home colleagues were mortified, one woman wiping a tear from her eye with the back of her hand while a man blessed himself.
“I’m not finding anything on transcentennial meditation,” Wilson said, staring at his phone.
Roz tried to help, but there wasn’t much she could do.
“Again, team, we have resources to-“
“You know what resource I want?” I yelled. “I want the two tickets to paradise resource that Andy got.”
“Yeah,” Mike said, pounding a fist on the table.
Outside in the hall Stephens passed sans shirt. He appeared to be sleepwalking.
“Okay, look,” Roz said. “In light of some, uh, developments, I’m going to recommend we delay the return to the office for a bit.”