The question was simple enough, but no one was willing to go first and answer it. Around the table we all sat, looking at Roz and shooting glances at each other. Even Suck-Up Andy was quiet. I was pretty sure that was a first.
Roz made eye contact with each of us, her way of letting us know she was serious, and this was dire. But we knew that already. She was making an appearance in the office, one of her few since the pandemic began.
“Okay, I’ll ask it again,” she said. “When was the last time you took a vacation?”
Silence. Then I spoke up.
“It’s been awhile,” I said, hoping that would satisfy as an answer. “You know, with the pandemic and all.”
“Same,” Andy said, which was interesting considering he had wrangled an island holiday on the company dime not long ago.
“What’s a vacation? Wilson asked.
“And who can even take one?” Ashley asked, “I’m so busy, busy, busy.”
Truth was we were all bored and no busier than usual. But now that I thought about it, I couldn’t quite remember when the last time any of us, absent Andy of course, had taken a real vacation. An honest to goodness full week off, go somewhere vacation.
“Okay, see this is the problem, people,” Roz said. She stopped talking and glanced at Big Mike. His eyes were open, but everyone except Roz knew he was snoozing. It was some weird trick he had managed to master.
“Mike,” Roz said, “we didn’t hear from you.”
I let out a quick little dog whistle in his direction and he jerked to life.
“Hey, I’m good to go, team,” he said, raring with energy and enthusiasm. He slapped the table and sprang up. “Let’s go get ‘em. I got my next steps and I’m clear on my G’s and O’s.”
Roz stared at him, puzzled, as if she were studying an abstract painting.
“Ah, Mike,” I said, “Roz was wondering when was the last time you took a vacation. Actually, when any of us did.”
“Well, I know Andy got away for a bit,” Mike said, slapping Andy on the back as he sat back down.
“What about you?” Roz asked.
“Is Obama still president?” Mike asked. “I know he was definitely president when I took the family to Disney. I think that was the last trip. Yeah, what was that, like two, maybe three years ago?”
Roz shook her head and rubbed her brow. Welcome back to the office I wanted to yell.
“Okay, listen up everyone. Gil is very, very concerned about people not taking their vacation time,” she said. “And when the CEO is concerned about something we leaders hear about it, and then we communicate the concern to our teams.”
Wilson was nodding vigorously as if this course in Management 101 was all new to him. Andy had perked up considerably at the mention of the chief executive, no doubt looking for some way to be involved in whatever project Roz had for us, unless of course it involved working.
“You remember the very generous offer the company made to everyone last quarter?” Roz asked. “Two extra days of time off if you booked a vacation by the end of March?”
“Very generous,” Andy said.
“Well, response was somewhat less than overwhelming,” Roz said. “Less than one percent of employees took advantage of the offer.”
“I mean, who can get away?” Ashley asked. “We’re all just crushed with work.”
This from a gal who routinely rides her bike up and down the hallways of the office to kill time. According to her Heart Fit-o-Meter, she had logged almost 3,000 miles, a coast to coast ride, she bragged.
“I gotta tell you,” Mike said, “it’s just been incredibly hard to get away.”
I firmly believed Mike didn’t take any time off because he was sleeping so well in the office with most people working at home. His mood had improved and his skin even looked better with all the rest.
“Well, Gil is upping the ante now,” Roz said.
“What? Three days off?” Mike asked. “I gotta tell you, if the Big Man does that we can at least have a conversation about a vacation.”
Rox opened a big envelope and slid out some pictures. “This is even better. Gil is making his six homes available to employees on a first come, first serve basis to incentivize people to take their loved ones away and use their paid time off.”
“Gil B-n-B,” Andy said.
“Oh, I like that,” Roz said, scribbling a note.
“Make sure he knows where it came from,” Andy said.
Roz passed out the pictures to both sides of the table so we could oh and ah and look at the CEO’s lavish abodes. There was what looked like a ski chalet, and a mountain house, a place on a hill overlooking a beach, and a Manhattan apartment with Central Park views.
“Is this like Tahiti?” Mike asked.
“Hawaii,” Roz said.
“The chalet in the Rockies looks great,” Wilson said.
“Swiss Alps,” Roz corrected.
There were whistles and head shaking at the real estate portfolio of our esteemed leader.
“Is Gil married?” Ashley asked.
There was some talk about how best to let employees book the properties. A new website was determined to be the best and most equitable way. Wilson and Andy were assigned to that, meaning Wilson would take care of it while Andy was busy doing whatever it is that he does.
Then a delicate subject came up. What happens if there is no demand by employees to get away to one of their CEO’s homes?
Roz’s mood went from serious to super serious. She thought about it for some time while we waited for her answer. Well, all except Mike. I was pretty sure he was back to sleeping with his eyes open again.
“That’s what Gil calls the nuclear option,” Roz said.
“Yikes,” Ashley said.
Roz nodded. “Yikes indeed.”
We all sat silent waiting for more.
“If people still won’t take vacations, Gil is fully prepared, and I stress this is a last resort, but he’s fully prepared to pay people to take their time off.”
There was gasps around the table. The dreaded forced vacation with monetary incentive.
“Yes,” Roz said, “I know. It’s drastic, but he’s thinking about a $250 bonus for booking a week off. Maybe even paying you as much as $1,000 for taking a year’s worth of vacation time.”
We sat in stunned silence. Things had to be bad. Real bad. Cash payouts for taking time off?
“Whoa, the CEO wants to bribe us to take time off?” Mike asked.
Of all people. He hadn’t been napping after all.
“Yes, I’m afraid so,” Roz said. “I hope you understand.”
Mike pounded the table and shot up from his chair.
“I’m in,” he yelled, “you don’t have to ask twice.”