My afternoon observation was that face masks certainly had become cheap on Etsy. Twenty, thirty, fifty-percent off. I considered buying a few to have in the unfortunate event that another pandemic was lurking out there.
I was busy staring at nice one featuring Saturn when a call came in from a number I didn’t recognize. It presented a dilemma, stare at the face mask and continue to surf the web on company time, or take the call from an unfamiliar number.
I went with the call figuring I could always resume surfing in a few minutes.
“Hi,” an enthusiastic man said, “I’m just getting back to you on your application for employment. Hopefully you’re still interested in joining the kitchen staff at Benny’s Burgers where we make dinner dreams come true.”
“Benny’s…”
“Burgers,” he said. “That’s right, I’m just following up to see if you’re still interested in joining our team. We had a heck of a time tracking you down, by the way. You may want to update your contact info with us.”
My mind raced in a pathetic effort to make sense of the call. Maybe someone in Benny’s corporate management saw my LinkedIn profile. I made a mental note to change that picture. I never liked the one I used four years ago.
“I know you applied to the Benny’s on Fifth Street,” the guy said, “but we’re currently offering you the flexibility to work at any of our area locations.”
“Fifth Street?” I yelled, it all coming back to me. “I applied there when I was in high school. That was over thirty-five years ago. What the hell is this?”
“We offer competitive benefits and a better wage than our competitors,” he said, without missing a beat. “We guarantee just enough pay to get you somewhat close to the poverty line without crossing it.”
“You have some nerve calling me decades after I applied to flip burgers for you clowns,” I said. “And what are you doing hanging on to my application?”
“It says here you don’t have a license. Is that still the case?” the guy asked. “Can a parent or friend drive you? We’re located just nineteen blocks from the nearest bus stop if you need to rely on mass transportation.”
“Goodbye,” I yelled, ending the call as Wilson walked in.
“Who was that?” he asked.
“Benny’s Burgers. The guy was practically begging me to come work for them.”
“What’s the job?”
“In the kitchen.”
“You considering it?” he asked.
“No, I’m not considering it. Are you crazy? That was decades ago.”
Wilson nodded and said, “I got a call from some place I applied to twenty years ago. I didn’t even know they were still around. It’s bad out there, no one can find workers. They’re digging up old applications now.”
Wilson was right. It was desperation time for America’s employers. From fast food joints on up, they were scrambling to find bodies to fill shifts as businesses welcomed back the masses to shops, restaurants and everywhere else.
My phone blared as another call came in from an unfamiliar number.
“If this is Benny’s you’re in big trouble,” I said, answering.
“Hi,” a woman said, “this is Lisa with Amalgamated Shipping where we take great pride in getting your products from A to B and everywhere in between. You recently expressed interest in a challenging and rewarding career with Amalgamated and we’d like to know how soon you can start.”
“Amalgamated?” I yelled.
“Yes, where we take great–“
“I applied for a position with you fifteen years ago and never heard from you.”
“Well we’ve had a financial crisis and a pandemic since then and senior management has lost track of time. Can you start Monday? We’re offering flexible, work-from-home hours on Saturdays and Sundays after your Monday through Friday in-person work schedule is completed.”
“Goodbye,” I yelled, ending the call.
Roz walked in and took a seat next to Wilson. She opened a manila folder and took out three sheets of paper and waved them about.
“Three, that’s the best I can do,” she said. “I went through our database of resumes to try and find someone for the senior strategist regional analyst administrative assistant role we posted a week ago. We didn’t get a single bite from the big job sites.”
“The title is a bit intimidating,” I said.
“What does the role entail?” Wilson asked, perking up like he was interested.
Roz gave it a second of thought and said, “I don’t know. Everything, I think. We combined six positions that have been vacant for the last two months.”
“Interesting strategy,” I said.
“The thinking was we’d have less trouble finding one person for a job than we would finding six people for six jobs,” she said.
Wilson edged forward in his chair like it all made sense. He was itching for a change and seemed eager to hear more. We made eye contact and I shook my head to try and warn him it may not be a good idea to pursue the opening.
Roz tossed the three resumes on my desk and said, “I settled on these from a previous search going back a few years. See what you think.”
I picked up the resumes and scanned them.
“This one may not be a good idea,” I said, dropping a resume on the desk.
“Why?” Roz asked.
“He already works here.”
Wilson grabbed it, took a look and said, “Big Mike.”
“That’s Mike’s last name?” Roz asked.
“Yes, so far as I know,” I said.
There was a commotion in the hall and Mike could be heard.
“Would you like anything else with that?” he yelled.
A second later he was in the doorway wearing a paper hat.
Is that,” I started to say, pointing at the hat.
“From Benny’s Burgers,” he said, proudly. “I got a five-thousand dollar signing bonus. I’m going to make a little extra money after work and on weekends.”
“Would you be interested in our senior strategist regional analyst administrative assistant role?” Roz asked.
“Sure,” he said. “What’s the job?”
“I don’t know,” she said.
“I can do that,” he said.