My muscles were aching, and my heart was pumping as I hit the locker room. I sat down on the bench in front of the lockers and had a drink of water. I was feeling pretty good, satisfied. All in all, not a bad workout.
“Took it kind of easy on the crunches and the ab machine, chubby,” a voice said.
I looked around. The place was empty except for some guy all the way at the other end. He had his earbuds in and was staring at his phone. No way he had said anything.
I stood up, casually glancing this way and that way, and thinking maybe there was someone around the corner, over by the bathrooms and sauna. No one.
“Standing is not going to help you burn that spare tire, flabby,” the voice said.
It was a man’s voice, kind of oddly robotic. I was confused, thinking maybe I had overdone it. Maybe I was just lightheaded. I reached into my locker to grab my bag, and there it was again, the voice.
“No pain, lots of gain for you. Weight gain that is, hah, hah, hah,” it said. It was mocking me now.
What the hell?
I stared into the locker, looking for my tormentor. It had to be the phone. I grabbed it and looked at it. I checked the calls, and FaceTime, but nothing. The damn device wasn’t engaged. Maybe there was some glitch or something. Maybe I had been hacked and some kid in his bedroom six states away was toying with me.
“Who the hell are you?” I asked, maybe a touch too loud.
I glanced to my left. Mr. Earbuds was looking over. Whatever, who the hell cared? My phone was insulting me.
“I’m your worst nightmare, Lard Boy,” the phone said.
I gripped the device and held the button down, shutting it off, then shoved it deep inside my bag. I drove home under the distinct belief I was losing, or quite possibly had already lost, my mind.
I walked into the kitchen to find Terri having a cup of coffee and scrolling through her phone.
“Let me ask you something,” I said.
“I already said yes twenty-six years ago. Ask me again and I may answer differently. But go ahead, take your shot,” she said, without looking up.
“This may sound crazy, but does your phone ever talk to you?” I asked, shaking my phone for her to see.
“That does sound crazy,” she said. “And it depends on what you mean by talking. I mean, I guess my phone talks to me when I’m on a call. Is this like one of those, there’s no right answer psychological questions?”
“No,” I said, going to the table and sitting down. “This is like my phone insulting me, for no reason.”
“Insulting you?”
“Yes, it called me, Lard Boy, among other names,” I said.
Terrie glanced at the phone and said, “Seems pretty well behaved now.”
“That’s because it’s off,” I said, powering it up.
We stared at the screen watching it come to life. As soon as it did, it started in on me again.
“You can run but you can’t hide, chubster. Actually, in your condition you’ll have trouble running. Hah hah hah hah,” it said.
Terri covered her mouth trying, and failing to stifle a laugh. “Ohhh, that stings.”
Before I could say anything else, the damn device chirped at me again. “Listen, there’s help. I got a great deal on a treadmill, and I even have a special for you on this guaranteed weight loss belt. Just strap it on and watch the pounds melt away. It’s called the Slim Jim Fatburner.”
Terri picked up the phone, poked around a bit and said, “Who is this?”
“Hiya, honey,” it said. “You with the Big Guy?”
“Ah, yes, I am.”
“You seem a lot nicer than him. He’s a little high strung, you know what I’m saying?”
“He is under a lot of pressure,” she said.
“I’m Sidney, by the way,” it said.
Terri nodded at me and smiled like she knew exactly what was going on.
“Well, Sidney, can you suggest any other products my husband might be interested in?”
“Hah, can I? How much time do you have, sweetheart?”
Terri was looking at me and I didn’t particularly like the look. There was a twinkle in her eye, a devious twinkle.
“So, maybe just a few suggestions based on his, ahem, browsing history,” she said, winking at me.
“Hmm, let’s see, maybe a nice three night, four-day stay in the Bahamas,” Sidney said.
“Oh, I do hope that was for me,” Terri said.
“He checked that out right before he searched for a nice diamond necklace. He was at work when he checked all this out, by the way,” Sidney said. “On the company dime, as they say.”
“Oh, that’s so sweet. I did get a nice necklace for my birthday, so thanks for all your help,” she said.
“Anytime, honey,” the phone said.
Terri shut off the phone, and watching it power down I felt relief. Like Big Brother was leaving the room.
“Let me guess, you let one of the kids use your phone,” Terri said.
“Hmmm, well yes,” I said.
“They activated the digital assistant, Sidney.”
“It seems particularly aggressive, close to stalking territory,” I said.
“Little scary to think everything I look at is recorded somewhere,” I said. “And there seems to be nothing I can do.”
Oh, but there is,” Terri said.
“Really?”
“Maybe book that nice trip to the Bahamas you were thinking about.”