Wilson bounded into my office with all the energy of a dog with a new toy. His exuberance was enough to distract me from comparing Amazon’s new credit card offer against the Visa we were presently using. The APR on the Amazon card seemed a bit wonky and I welcomed the opportunity to kick the can down the road and not make a decision.
“Have you heard the great news?” he asked
“I’ve heard a lot of news lately, not much of it great,” I said.
“We may be getting money to buy gas,” he said.
He was looking at me like I was supposed to understand. I had a hard time understanding Wilson when he made sense. I didn’t have a chance with this proclamation.
“We’re getting money to buy gas?” I asked, exercising the age old tactic of repeating the statement to assure the other party you were indeed listening while buying you time to figure out what they were talking about.
“Yes,” he said, proving the tactic doesn’t always work.
“And this money to buy gas,” I said, “who will be giving it to us?”
“The government,” he said.
“Gas money from the government,” I said. “Dare I ask why?”
“Because gas is expensive.”
“So are other things, like beer,” I said.
“But you don’t need beer every day,” he said.
“I didn’t think so, until now at least,” I said. “Besides, I thought the government was trying to wean us off fossil fuels to stop us from destroying the planet.”
“It is,” he said.
“Then why would it pay me to buy gas?”
“Because it’s expensive,” Wilson said. “Aren’t you listening?”
“I am. Earlier, I repeated back what you said in an effort to demonstrate that.”
“Then why don’t you understand?” he asked.
“I’m trying to, but it sounds like you’re telling me the government will pay me to buy gas because gas is expensive.”
“Yes, yes, that’s it,” he said.
“Even though Washington really doesn’t want me buying gas.”
“Only when it’s expensive,” he said.
“And then it will help me buy it.”
“Yes,” Wilson said. “You get a hundred dollars a month. So do your kids.”
“Excuse me,” I said. “The government wants to give my kids money to buy gas?”
“Of course. They suffer from higher gas prices just like us adults. So dependents will get a hundred bucks a month each,” he said.
“What if they don’t drive?”
Wilson shrugged.
“You can use the money to take them places,” he said.
“Yes, of course. And what happens when gas is cheap again?” I asked. “Will Uncle Sam help me buy a few gallons then?”
“No, no, no,” Wilson said, exasperated. “I thought you understood this. When it’s cheap the government doesn’t want you buying gas. Only when its over four dollars a gallon will you get money so you can buy it.”
“But when gas is over four dollars a gallon is when I start cutting back and buying less.”
Wilson shook his head, exasperated. “Don’t you see, that’s why you need help buying it.”
“But I already cut out four trips this week and combined my errands into one trip thereby reducing my carbon footprint.”
“But you shouldn’t have to suffer like that. And if the Gas Rebate Act passes, you won’t suffer. You can drive all over town thanks to extra cash from caring lawmakers.”
“But if we all buy gas when it’s expensive, won’t that increase demand and drive prices even higher?”
Wilson shrugged.
“Maybe we’ll get a second gas stimulus check then,” he said. “How great would that be?”
I took a breath and tried to think of some way to determine if Wilson had snapped. It’s really something HR should hand out. Little laminated cards to keep handy with telltale signs and questions to ask.
“Is the earth flat or round?” I asked.
“Who wants to know?”
“Never mind,” I said. “And this money that I may get to buy gas, who’s money is it anyway?”
“Well, it’s from the government, so it must be our money,” Wilson said.
I sat back and gave it a few seconds of thought until my head began to throb.
“So just to recap,” I said. “The government wants to pay me my money so I can buy the gas it really doesn’t want me to buy?”
“Yes, thank goodness,” Wilson said. “I knew you’d understand.”